sui=cidal

time and time again

Life is funny indeed, if you miss one of the exit out of this highway, you're screwed so bad that a detour would take you so far ahead into the next life perhaps. Things would not be what  you try to predict of and best of all, nothing is certain in this lifeline which we commit into. One might have to go the distance to realize that we are indeed fragile beings. The sooner you accept that as a fact, the stronger you can build your forte and move on. Above all that, one thing for sure is that no matter how we try to control life, we'll soon come to realize that it all doesn't fall the way you always wanted it to be. Well, sometimes it does, but the point is how do you survive all the hiccups from the bumpy road of life? Beats me but i sure don't think i have a concrete answer to that yet.

We all do have stress, nothing to be ashamed of, it'll follow us everywhere we go, no matter what we do. In work, home, family and even in the band, there's no running away from it, my advice is just face it and move on. If you choose to dwell on it (which most us will do) and you'll see yourself falling apart soon enough. There is no exact magical formula on how to encounter this, you may read a thousand books which which cost you a fortune and still be unable to handle the stress level. So what do we do? My method : Just tell yourself to grow up, think harder and stop whining like a bitch. Instead look on the positive sides and think of ways to beat stress, wanking is a good example... (hehhehe)

The reason why i'm writting this? I am now a temporary teacher in SMK Sungai Maong, waking up at 5am everyday and work my way to jam till midnight on most weekdays is a challenge for a technical night owl like me. It's not what i expect i would be doing when i'm 24, nevertheless i still survive somehow. My final pay from Singapore is halted for about four months now and my current 2 months pay as a teacher was hold up as well due to some technical issue from the general clerk. This explains why i'm almost broke all the time lately. Apart from that, strings of bad luck happened to me when i get back from Singapore, first my car broke down most of the time, rendering me transportless sometimes. Then my laptop decided to say goodbye last month so i can't watch porn no more.Then two of my phones, nokia 6288 and nokia 6280 decided to say goodbye as well, lucky i've bought a cheap ass samsung as a backup phone when i was in Singapore. Besides that, two of my guitar neck slightly bent and i can't afford to send them for repairs at the moment. To add salt to the wound i'm usually out of credit to call people back when i missed a call, now try beat all that in four months time... From hero to zero, trully something amiss..

Now don't think for a second that i'm emo, no no.. I'm just making a reflection on my life for we did won the second place in the Kenyalang band competition, wrote wonderful songs in the studio, jam together like there is no tomorrow once again, get to know new friends from the music circle, got more gigs lined up all the way until Christmas and the best of all i did found some true friends here in Kuching. The most important is that i did what i intended to do if i ever come back which is to solve the issue with my parents and the black diary issue as well. :) At least i get to be a son once again, now isn't that worth all the trouble at the end of the day? A very big thanks to my family and my bandmates, to all those who helped me through these troubled times, i salute you and wish to say sorry for the trouble you went to help me. Have a nice day and thank you for reading this.

tired

I'm tired of many things today

I'm really tired :
- from the feedbacks in the amplifiers by turning on the distortion
- from the amount of sustain it kills by using a noise gate
- the dynamics lost by turning on more compressor
- the versatility & hard work lost from using the whammy
- the loudness of the amp
-
-
-
-
-

Above it all, i'm really tired with of life itself.. Hope i can live to see my true self once again.

complications

Life, as we all know is never easy. A simple thing such as forming a band maybe tough sometimes, a lot goes into the process of achieving a fully satisfying band which meets every member's satisfaction. In my lifeline of playing the guitar and bass, I've been trying to make the best out of what I'm playing and prioterize my happiness of playing in a band as the benchmark for being in that particular band. So in short, i have joined and quited quite a number of bands in these short few years. Not a proud declaration of mine though. As a result of this, some people preferred to call me snobbish and to the others it's simply called arrogant, well up to a certain point i would have to agree with them but what the hell man, if you don't feel comfortable playing in that band anymore why stay?? My point is that if you can go to the studio and play your heart out with your band for that one hour or more without the feeling of restrained, that means you are playing in a band which suits you best. The magic would be for you play a thing and they would being something different to the table of music to complement, sort of like you bring the flour and they bring the sugar mix with some water you'll have a nice bread. However if you don't feel happy at all playing and at the end of the day you got this feeling like you're just being there for the sake of being there as a band member then i would say that there is really no point for you to waste your time right?? Well then there's too many factors going into the making of a band as well and this is just point number one. Another point which is important in the making of a band are the attitudes of the members itself, even big time rock stars have problem coping with each other's strenuous behaviors, what more to say coming from bands who have yet to make at least something in their music? I have met a whole variety of snobbish posers along the way and most of the time you wont know they are posers until you get really close enough to know them personally, i'm not speaking about people those who really wears black mascara with a simple plan t-shirt on the street. That's a different issue, i'm talking about the core of a musician's believes. The true foundation of the music a person is writing upon. Most of the time, they are really way out of their league when they start ranting on how lousy the other bands were in a gig. They would talk and laugh loudly against those who are making mistakes on stage, detest those who are better than them musically with a lousy reason and worst of all they think they are the best and nobody would listen to the incriminating things that they say. Too bad, everybody listens. :) The worst type are those who preaches of one thing and does another without realizing his own mistakes. They speak of high knowledge and skills musically but when it comes down to showing the real deal they would be looking for excuses to why they cant do it. I do agree that sometimes mistakes can be amended, behaviors can be changed and skills can be upgraded in time but only certain things can be foretold, for at the end of the day it all boils deep down to one's heart as a poser will always be a poser no matter what they try to do. Most of the time when i face these kinda events, it's easy to know that i am depressed mentally. It's kinda like a self degrading moment for me as i will have no new fresh ideas for songs and i feel like a jailed bird in a cage with my kuku bird nailed on a wall so high. So there you go, a few points in a life of a rock and roll band. I admit i am slowly getting tired from all these irony bullshits in life lately, it's like going back to square one every time and you feel like you're having a huge stone on your shoulder. So i wonder in time.......

short term dillema

So here i am in Singapore. Sipping my coke in my room and slowly thinking about my lousy shitty life in general as i always do, it's been a long time since i posted anything about myself. Counting the days, It's been like seven/eight months of me in Singapore? Yeah, so far life's good for me here, the pay's helping me to solve my life's problem most of the time easily. Buying things which i used to dream of due to the fact that i come from a very poor background. Hehe, despite all these, I'm sorry to say that i'm going back to Kuching for good in just a few days time, hell yeah. Yups, you're not hearing me wrong, It'll be another 10 more days of misery left for me to go before i end my contract with HP Singapore. The reason? It's simple, to perform my duty as a good son, sounds dope? Yeah, me dad has got two big hole in the heart this time. If it's a small holes it's easily operated by operating tubes which require just a small opening to make an incersion, kinda risk free. Me dad's case is different, the operation if full of challenges, let me chart out a simple procedure for the doctor's step:

1) stop body to a comma inducing state
2) cut front chest bones to allow access to heart
3) cut out the heart
4) mend it
5) put it back and reconnect the arteries & veins
6) bring back to life from the previous comma state

If all goes well after the operations, it will still be a hard job. Dad can't lift anything beyond 1/2kg due to the chest bones cut off during operation, it'll need some time to heal and at his age it'll be quite a long time i suppose. He'll most probably be wheelchaired for quite some time, as he isn't supposed to move around much anyway to allow maximum healing time. Then there's also the risk of infection, miscalculations of dosages, pills to be taken, mistakes and lots of other details. That's if the operation goes well, what if it doesn't..? That's the shitty part i wouln't wanna wander into.

Well surely you'll ask what if my dad were not to do the operation, would he still be ok? Yeah, he'll survive alright, but then he's gotta watch his diet carefully, not to perform heavy chores, not to be stress out, ample sleep bla bla bla and still risk cardiac arrest at times. Being him, i guess those of you who really know him shall know him really well.

Well most people see my action this time as another stupid, ignorant and a complete utter pile of bullshit. Most of the time, the general comments are like
1)You know you can earn much more in Singapore? Your pay will be like reduced to a quarter of what you're earning in Singapore le, can you take it?
2)You're taking the whole risk thing a bit too far, your dad's gonna be fine la. No need to go bonkers over it.
3)There's no need to go back permanently, you can go back in the weekends right?
4)You're saying goodbye to a very promising future here.

I don't deny that most of these are the people who are trying to look out for me, these kinda comments are comprimising my beleives. Well, what i'm trying to do is what i want to. No one forced me to, no one influenced me to and no one coerced me into it. It's like you see a blind man crossing the street, to help him or not it's your own decision to make, no one can make that choice for you. If you do help him, you're late for the meeting, if you don't you'll prob arrive at the meeting on time and feel bad once you've read the news about a blind man being hit while trying to cross the road. May god bless me this time around. Time to hit the sack

The air that i breathe

I will not relent no no
Never live with defeat never falter
This is like the air that I breath
I will not choke on failure

I am a mortal man
But I'm not falling I'm not broken yet
I am a mortal man
But I'll hold tight to my beliefs now

I have suffered defeat, pain, loss
Still I push to the edge, never falter
For this cements my beliefs
I'll remain my own master

I will not relent no no
Never suffer defeat, never falter
For this cements my beliefs
I will not choke on failure

I am a mortal man
But I'm not falling I'm not broken yet
I am a mortal man
But I'll hold tight to my beliefs now

I am a mortal man
But I'm not falling I'm not broken yet
I am a mortal man
But I'll hold tight to my beliefs now

I will not relent
I will not relent no, no
I will not relent
Never suffer defeat, never falter

I will not relent no, no
Never suffer, never falter
I will not relent no, no
Never suffer, never falter

fever

My mom called me the other day,

[mom] : jerry you are in the newspaper today you know..

[me]   : is it? wow, how did you know one?

[mom] : your sister tell me one

[me]   : hehe, so how do i look on papers ma?

[mom] : not bad, but why you all naked ar?

The cat killed the spirit of rock and roll this christmas..........  =.=""

Why i hate education

Sometimes i hate education, i really do. If it's not the mild complexcity of the subject which bores you it could be the overwhelming complexcity which kills your determination. If it's not the half assed read from the slide lecturer, it could be the full assed speaking off slang english mixed with his natural born twisted tounge which you can only capture 10% of his words even when you sit at the first row lecturer. He might just be cursing you while teaching for christ sake and get away with it since i dont think most of us understand arabian/indonesian/javanese/indian/bangladesh-english mixed language anyway. If it's not the bitch tutor who loves to fail male students who are good looking it could be the alter ego male tutor who loves to see you fail in life and end up as a looser while he idolises his existance. If it's not the lecturer who insist on screaming when he speaks of his mind it could be the lecturer who openly stares at chicks boobs in class, though i admit to doing that too all the time and usually miracles will definitely happen to those chicks in their final exam.

For an example, one tutor noticed that my attendance is 74% overall where the rules require us to meet a 75% quota. When i met her to discuss about it, she asked me to personally drop the subject. I pleaded with the notion that due to my taking 8 subjects, i only started missing class during the vital times of assignment handups and before that my attendance was fine. She pointed out to me that this is my problem and if i feel that i couldnt cope with the subjects i should just drop it and retake the subject again. I plead and she reject, at that moment I almost lost it and was about to give her a tight bitch slap, so to control my rage i just left the room in disgust. What the fuck, of all things in the world to toy around with, could you perhaps be a little bit more considerate for people who are trying hard to make it? Somehow after that, i think it was due to my mditerm and quiz marks being slightly above average which causes her to change her perspective of me and further proceed to unbar me. My friends, this is just the story of a single tutor for a single subject, imagine me facing 7 different other kind of lecturers and tutors including one extra lecturer for my FYP for this semester? I wonder how a normal being can cope with so many idiot's who exist all around them all the time. This is the time i learn how to just swallow it all down to emptiness.

My point is that it never cease to amaze me the different kind of situation we have to adapt to each class, changing our nature and habit to fit the needs of different lecturers and tutors in each class. If you have an average of five class a day like me, you can start by being your blur i-just-woke-up self for the first two hours, being a goodie two shoe asking lots of questions next, being an ass holder and complements the lecturer's knowledge next, being a sweet young man and tries to woo the tutor next and finally for the last class, transform into a four flat student who sends cookies to the lecturers table. I could have gotten an EMMY AWARD for the amount of suck up's i did to get my lecturer's attention, by right i could have done better if i am a women, anyway that's not the main point being discussed here. hehehhe...

All i'm saying is that despite of all the ups and downs of studying, i seriously would love to see education as being more spontaneous, cherishable memories and given the right atmosphere where one would be able to learn better. So far, the air of our lecture halls are msotly fouled with the brainless attitudes of certain lecturers and tutors who fail to see us as human. That hoenstly, tarnishes the outlook we have on educationers in general. My advice is, PLAY IT SAFE, go hug some balls while you can my friends.

death note

I wish i can say goodbye,
especially the ones who makes me cry inside,
tutors, lecturers, friends and foes,
hypocrites, back stabbers, liars, and assholes,

I wish i was born another day,
to face adventures in life the other way,
No matter how hard i try to do it,
Nothing seems to work out the way i want it to be,

I wish i was born of another planet,
where all the people in the world take flights,
our beds would be filled with warm blankets,
there is no need for an empty jacket.

regardless of the times they tell me,
My dreams would never be of reach,
I guess this stupid struggle is of my own,
All i can is to kill this demon and i'll be enthroned.

no matter how i see it,
there is no turning back time now,
so till the end i will fight,
my very last breath will be the light....

Do you sometimes secretly just wish you can fly away from all your troubles and worries in this life? I guess these are the moments when we made the decision which will bring us to another chapter in our lives, be it right or wrong. There is definitely no option of running away now for me. At this moment, I'm just waiting to be sacrificed like a lamb was to be sacrificed on the throne to please the gods back in the days. I am a naive and uncertain person deep inside, though i am fully unprepared of what the future brings i will promise to never run away again. No, stupidity is not the answer, it's not going to end up like what i used to do before this. All i ask is for you to give me another chance to try. I am neither smart nor rich, as well as good looking nor charming. I am just an ordinary guy walking the empty streets of darkness, it's different from you and your so called definition of what life is. So with all my heart and all my breath, just let me scream into the abyss where you take your share of my shattered soul into account and keep on playing the game.. i hope you are happy, with moments of enjoyment engulfed in your mind before i take it apart and rip it to pieces with the fangs of hatred. Please help me break away darling...

mid terms and assignments

New things to rant about myself lately :
- itchiness for a new phone has begun again, this time a sonyericsson babe
- i feel that i am like a train wreck in life, day after day of disasters this semester.
- insomnia (refer to previous post)
- rains of 7 project deadlines, and 7 midterms almost everyday continuously. Every single drop is deadly enough that if i get one hit, i'll be staying here for another lifetime.
- softwares learnt so far for this semester alone, c, dev c++, VB.NET, sql, apache, linux and the latest to add in, FORTRAN.
- our very inteligent lecturer asked us to learn how to program a compiler in linux and submit it within two weeks. I've just submitted the thing earlier so pardon my crappy writtings, my mind is extremely screwed at this very moment. Trust me, here's proof..

#include
#include
#include


int main ()
{
    jerry_thinks();
    printf("Jerry thinks 1+1 = %d", babies);
    return 0;
}

jerry_thinks("1+1=3")
{
     to_explain_this_theory();
     if (man==real man && women==real girl) //real=authentic!=aqua's or tomboys
          {
           int rlshp++ //relationship point grow
           men+girl=baby(); //accidents in backseats cause babies
           }
     else ( man!=real man women!=real girl)
     {
          int rlshp-- //relationship points minus               

          men+men=more_men_screwed(); //accidents in backpants
          girl+girl = more_women_screwed(); // no comments..
     }
return baby;

}



Pardon me if you find my joke stupid or harmfull, i am not in pure state of mind to speak to anyone at this moment...

depressing summer

time : 10pm++
status : feeling extremely tired from a very long day at campus and will be trying to sleep at this hour to wake up early to prepare & revise notes for next day's class


time : 11.15pm++
status : tosing and turning around in bed, mind wandering to faraway lands of dragons and sometimes entertaining pleasurable fantasies


time : 1.15am++
status : still turning around in bed =.="


time : 3.15am+++++
status : feeling depressed, alone and very much awake with eyes wide open


time : 3.45am
status : decided to just stay awake as it is time to wake up anyway.


For your information, this happened almost every single night for the past 2 weeks, and i am not getting any sleep in the daytime either, i'll be feeling tired like hell before going to sleep and then after lazing around for a few hours without sleep i'll feel better physically with my eyes wide open.. Is this insomnia or stress..? Damnit, i'm going crazy real soon...!! This is really the beginning of a very depressing summer.